08/05/2011

Civic Parade? An alien concept in Plymouth apparently!

What the bloody hell is going on in Plymouth? – no civic parade!? Been waiting for the open top bus up here outside Home Park all day, my speech in hand. Bloody Brendan came out and told me to eff off once or twice or he’d enforce the dispersal order.

Had to get on the open top bus tour that weaves round the Hoe with one of the missus’ hairbrushes as a makeshift microphone, ruddy £5.50 to get on, offered them 0.77 pence in the pound for the trip but they said for that they’d take me once round Bretonside. I think the old Japanese couple sat at the back really enjoyed my pearls of wisdom, taking photos with me all the time and asking if I‘d sing ‘Chim Chimereee Chimchim cheroo’ . I asked if they knew anyone interested in investing in a football club back home because there was a good opportunity in Plymouth but they both just shrugged. As I’ve said all along I don’t want a pat on the back for saving the club the way I did but, you know, a few of the lazy oiks that fork the pitch for a living could have come to show some appreciation for all my hard work this season, especially after we gave them such a lovely, state of the art, pitch to work on, and all for so much less than a jolly, er I mean business research trip to the Middle East. The son-in-law made some quip about ‘even the grassh I buy coshts more than that’ – I’ll never get the abstract Dutch humour!
He’s broken up for the holidays now so we’re going to have a real crack at the jigsaw, he’s looking forward to a well earned bit of R&R.

Seen that trouble maker Fletcher gobbing off all over the ‘Welshie Moaning News’ as I’m now calling it. Bet he’s revelling in it - bloody Commie, did you all scrub each other’s boots for Simon Jordan (now that’s a tan!) at the Palace? Yeah thought not!
Its your fault they went bust Carl Marx-Fletcher and no-one else’s!
Had Keith over for a barbecue and a wii session, he seemed to be affecting a rather crude attempt at an Irish accent all night and had insisted on bringing over a 4-pack of Guinness. When I asked him why, he claimed he’d been introduced to the black stuff by hisIrish relatives back in Killfootballclubby. I said he sounded Bally ridiculous, geddit geddit?

Saw that My Paul dusted off his wee sporran for a rare outing, oh the fun I used to have watching him swing his sporran. Near the end we used to keep the transfer kitty in there.


Is there enough left in there to get Nicolas Marin back on loan??

29/03/2011

Above; Argyle's new investor?

What a night movie night was this week at Burj Al Derriford! All the boys came over and there were some new faces too!
After hearing about it, Keith insisted that he come over with his new mates and we all watch The Alamo (he’s suddenly decided its his favourite film) with some Doritos and dips. Even Runaway Roy was there, although there weren’t enough seats so he had to have a beanbag.


Keith had his new friend Heaney with him - I told him I really liked his poems and that we should get together and jam sometime. If I’m honest he looked a lot like the Crazy Frog so I warmed to him instantly - how I used to love that frog. Apparently his girlfriend might be able to get me Roman Abramovich’s number too! Keith tells me that he used to run a really successful company called Cornish Hovels until they ran out of Wattle and Daub or something. He’s saved just enough of it though for ‘The Big Plan’ (which I think was Keith’s real reason for coming over).


They’ve got this idea of turning Home Park into the first 100 000 seat Wattle and Daub stadium (‘Nothing in the Taylor Report about Wattle and Daub or thatched cantilever roofs’ Keith chimed). Then, to boost crowds on a Saturday we’ll have Truro and Argyle playing at the same time - Keith is an innovator it has to be said. He also wants the ground to stage the Highland Games in 2020, I always knew he was a bit of a tosser (caber tossing that is).


King of the Wild Frontier

After the film we went out into the garden as it was still light and re-enacted The Alamo. There was an argument before it was decided that mine and not Keith’s hairdo looks more like Davy Crockett’s hat and as its my house I got to be him. I'm a lot like Davy Crokett really - you know, man of the people and all that. You know apparently John Wayne lost the personal investment he made in the film The Alamo - idiot! We changed the ending though and instead of the dastardly Mexicans storming the fort and killing us all we held it firm against them and after finishing off every last one of them we went back inside for a slap up Dominos, Texas BBQ flavour of course!

24/03/2011

Above; Found this one in Marce's album

Big day for the son in law - contract talks with Plymouth Parkway - you see Argyle are looking to offload their top talent to give them their chance to shine in other teams. He ‘s got the Three Crowns FC after him too, but he’d have to collect the glasses on a Friday night if he signs for them. The eldest has been stomping round the house all day singing ‘We love you Parkway we do’ at the top of her voice. She’s signed up to Parkway Insider already, cracking banter on there - much more mature than the PASTITTI lot, everyone’s on there guessing the score and attendance for the big one against St. Blazey tomorrow night.
It did help that Big Bad Brendan came round at 6 am pounding his fists on the door then charging upstairs to get Marce out of bed. ‘C’mon rise and shine now Tulip’ he screeched into Marce’s ear, banging a spoon around inside a saucepan and making an awful racket - I couldn’t really make out what was happening - its always a bit shall we say fuggy in there. He even tore down Marce’s favourite poster, the one that looks a bit like Jason Bent, ‘Bob Marley, Exodus - very fitting don’t ya think?’ He said with a sneer screwing the poster into a small ball. No idea what he's on about sometimes.

　
I see some lad called Heaney wants to buy the club off me - I looked him up on Google - I tell you I don’t go much on his poetry . He wont get far spouting that in the dressing room to gee the lads up before a game, I mean hark at this;

Is wooed into the cyclops' eye
Of a tarn. Our unfenced country
Is bog that keeps crusting
Between the sights of the sun

That’s not poetry that’s just words chosen at random surely? It doesn’t even rhyme! What an odd lot the Cornish are - how this chappy made any money with drivel like that I’ll never know! I wrote a bit of poetry once - I got all inspired after a few schpeshials and got carried away with myself - try this, its from one of my best called The Hero;

His silver moustache flowed in the breeze
He rode into town on his gallant steed
He single-handedly dragged the club from its knees
From an evil goblin the castle was freed


Dead excited about the sale they’ve got going on up at Home Park tonight - really want to get my hands on that Chris Leadbitter shirt, put it on next time I know I’m going to see Dan, he’ll never get his hands on them now, muhahaha - ‘you want the shirt off my back dontcha Dan? Well you aint getting it’ That’s what I’ll say, really stir it up man!

19/03/2011

Above; Balls


Only Rotherham today so I wasn’t that fussed about going out there. I used to like it when we were playing teams like West Ham & I could hob nob with people like Trev Broking. Actually he sorted us out once when we got that draw away at Arsenal, I said ’Trev the coffers are a bit low, we’re using ASDA’s own prawns in the half time sarnies fer chrissakes, heat up our ball eh son?’ - they wouldn’t sort us out again this season though - Swinton at home - what’s that all about!!?
‘What did you do with the last lot?’ asked Lord Triesman when I got on the blower asking for Liverpool at Anne Field. Well those Fabergé Eggs we had put on the empty plinths in the trophy room didn’t buy themselves!
‘Look I pulled the strings and scratched the backs for Keith and his World Cup Host City bid, I’m not doing any more, stop pestering me’ he said. He’s to blame for all this!


I watched it on the TV instead - turn up for the books we were on BBC 1! 24 - 8 what a win eh! That’ll do our goal difference the power of good - what’s with all the hats they’ve started wearing since I left though? I thought a couple of our goals were shades of handball though. I tell you it looks a lot rougher game on the telly than it does live!


Had Big Pete round this morning wanting to borrow my Argyle tie and jacket for some sort of appointment in town - hope I get it back, never saw my N Dubz album again after I lent it to him!
Marce was coming down stairs and offered Big Pete a couple of puffs of his morning schpeshial but he’s always in such a rush he couldn’t stop.


Had to press the ‘busy tone’ to HMRC today. They must be wanting to do some sort of Customer Satisfaction survey , well if they’re ever lucky enough to get me I tell you it’ll be ‘5 Strongly Disagree’ to every question!

17/03/2011

Above;  Mount Edgecumbe                                                                                         (Alaska)


Comic Relief tomorrow night. Love Comic Relief me! I don’t wish to blow my own trumpet but I love to do my bit for charity as you know. I work to the motto ’you get what you give’.
Was planning to do a hike up Kilimanjaro to raise some funds but there were too many bloody jabs required and Dar Es Salaam looks a bit edgier than Dubai. So I settled for a sponsored walk up that hill to Mount Edgecumbe House from where you get off the Cremyll Ferry. I raised £16.07! Big Pete sponsored me a tenner. I ended up spending a bit of it on a bacon sarnie from El Vera’s café, the ferry fare and a Fab lolly from the Orangery though. I’m sure that what I was left with will buy a school in Chad or something although I had to dip into the change from the Fab to buy the envelope and stamp to send the rest to Terry Wogan. I wont be buying a new nose though - the ‘88 classic plain red nose will not be beaten in my opinion, far too gimmicky these days, I’ll just give mine a dust and it’ll be good as new!
Made sure I didn’t tick the ‘gift aid’ box on the sponsor form though - don’t want those sods at HMRC getting involved!
It was pretty gruelling getting up that near vertical slope though, had to take a break about half way up, altitude sickness I think. Think Touching the Void but with more swearing. I was almost beset by some ferocious looking squirrels at one point.

Had the journos on the phone disturbing my celebratory cream tea when I got to Mt. Edgecumbe’s summit (do they even do cream tea in Tanzania?). The reception was a bit dodgy up there at the peak though and all I could make out was that the staff at Home Park were all signing some sort of Well Done card for me? Really its nothing honestly, just doing my bit for the downtrodden - you’ll make me blush.

After my intrepid adventure I went over to have a look at that building they put up over there in honour of one of our all time greats, The Yoann Folly. Its in a sad state of repair - bloody spending cuts! If those do-gooders the Green Taverners are looking for a really worthwhile project there it is, no-one should be allowed to forget the invaluable contribution he made to our club.

16/03/2011

I’m writing this from an Interweb Café in Calais – the French really have caught up with us!
Why am I in Calais and not Carlisle? Well I found my Stobart lorry didn’t I? But apparently all roads do NOT lead to Cumberland. I must’ve had four or five of Marce’s schpeshials while I waited in the undergrowth for my opportunity to stow away. Well when I got in the back of the trailer all the boxes looked like they said Carlisle to me - but then my vision was a bit blurry for some reason. I must have passed out amongst the boxes for a number of hours. When I awoke & could focus on the packaging clearly I was pretty shocked!
So there I was bleary eyed as some unshaven dock workers opened the trailer doors and started shouting at me in some unintelligible dialect – it could have been Torpoint but for all the tricolours flying everywhere!
I was taken to a small windowless room at the ferry port and asked to fill in some routine paperwork. I was pretty fatigued and instinctively I signed my name in the Arabic, Baulus Bin Derriford. Well I wish I hadn’t done that now I can tell you.
Had to call Big Pete again who called me a ‘blithering cretin’ but they soon stopped the waterboarding when he’d been on the line five minutes with them.


They have got a game though on Saturday, Calais I mean, so I might pop back over – might be nice to watch a game without the risk of being mobbed by all my fans. They’ve even got a player called Jonathan Fromage (literally Johnny Cheese!!!!) He’d have been a great signing under our old manager, who was it again, Peter Stilton! Hahaha. Might see how much they’d flog the club to me for, the marketing opportunities would be tremendous.

So I thought that while I was here in the le Web Café waiting for the ferry back to Dover I’d check out the free 14 day Argyle World trial - I’m not bloody paying for that crap. Saw that Lala scored again though, he was one of My Paul’s young starlets, if we stay up this season you can’t deny it’ll be down in part to My Paul’s expert wheeling and dealing on the transfer market.
I taught Bolasie that dance too you know, don’t let him tell you otherwise!


Sat here as I am in France I was struck with a brilliant idea - enter Argyle into the French leagues - who wants to go to Bolton when you could have Bordeaux! And just think how many cheap fags and how much knock-off booze from Majestic Wine Warehouse you could fit on the team coach on the way home!

14/03/2011

Just heard that the lads are staying in a 4 star hotel thanks to some sort of charity organisation associated with the club, might try sending them my Le Meridien Hotel receipts to reimburse me. Seems a bit off for well-paid footballers to be taking money off a charity! Do they even have 4 star hotels in the north? They say that Leeds has a Harvey Nics but I’m not so sure about that judging by the tatty get-up that Bloody Big Bad Brendan wears. Nice shades though.
The eldest was up the wall earlier when she read online that the club were 45 BILLION lira or something in debt. ‘Marce will have to move to Utrecht and I’ll never get to go to Flambards again’ she wailed.


I said it would all be OK because from what I’d heard some fellow called David Brent who used to have his own comedy show was giving me a suitcase full of gold and some signed photos for the club. It’ll be just like when Eric Morecambe was in charge of Luton. Even had the son-in-law over and we cracked open the Morecambe & Wise box set. By the afternoon (and after a few schpeshials) we were re-enacting that famous scene with the oranges and sausages, dancing all round the kitchen lobbing toast to each other. The missus went spare with all the pips scattered all over the floor and crumbs everywhere.


Tried to get hold of Keith again - see if he wanted to book us as a stand-up act, the showpiece event of the summer for Home Park. The club tried to get the Krankies but the rider was too expensive, despite the fact that the son-in-law managed to get a deal on most of the stuff on the list - no idea what or who Meow Meow is!? We were thinking of some names, Double Dutch, or The Simpletons maybe? Was going to get his expert ‘event organising’ opinion on it. Went straight to bloody voicemail again though. ‘This is Keith - yes, yes I’ll have your bloody money for you soon’ said the all too familiar message.
Tried Big Pete but he was busy at Emperor Tropicals picking out some green fish for his new offices - wonder where they are?! He loves fish so he’s loved it in Plymouth - he only came down to see the National Marine Aquarium and do some crabbing he told me, but he’s still here.


Talking of Eric Morcambe, been n the phone all bloody day to Cumbria Football Club, still no invite to the game. Tried 118 118 and asked for Eddie. but he wouldn’t accept reverse charges - tightwad northerner! Get Michael Knighton back in - he knew what he was doing! Might cruise the jag up and down an A38 ambush one of Eddie’s trucks in a lay-by and climb in the trailer while the drivers taking a kip, all roads lead to Cumbria as they say.