29/03/2011

Above; Argyle's new investor?

What a night movie night was this week at Burj Al Derriford! All the boys came over and there were some new faces too!
After hearing about it, Keith insisted that he come over with his new mates and we all watch The Alamo (he’s suddenly decided its his favourite film) with some Doritos and dips. Even Runaway Roy was there, although there weren’t enough seats so he had to have a beanbag.


Keith had his new friend Heaney with him - I told him I really liked his poems and that we should get together and jam sometime. If I’m honest he looked a lot like the Crazy Frog so I warmed to him instantly - how I used to love that frog. Apparently his girlfriend might be able to get me Roman Abramovich’s number too! Keith tells me that he used to run a really successful company called Cornish Hovels until they ran out of Wattle and Daub or something. He’s saved just enough of it though for ‘The Big Plan’ (which I think was Keith’s real reason for coming over).


They’ve got this idea of turning Home Park into the first 100 000 seat Wattle and Daub stadium (‘Nothing in the Taylor Report about Wattle and Daub or thatched cantilever roofs’ Keith chimed). Then, to boost crowds on a Saturday we’ll have Truro and Argyle playing at the same time - Keith is an innovator it has to be said. He also wants the ground to stage the Highland Games in 2020, I always knew he was a bit of a tosser (caber tossing that is).


King of the Wild Frontier

After the film we went out into the garden as it was still light and re-enacted The Alamo. There was an argument before it was decided that mine and not Keith’s hairdo looks more like Davy Crockett’s hat and as its my house I got to be him. I'm a lot like Davy Crokett really - you know, man of the people and all that. You know apparently John Wayne lost the personal investment he made in the film The Alamo - idiot! We changed the ending though and instead of the dastardly Mexicans storming the fort and killing us all we held it firm against them and after finishing off every last one of them we went back inside for a slap up Dominos, Texas BBQ flavour of course!

24/03/2011

Above; Found this one in Marce's album

Big day for the son in law - contract talks with Plymouth Parkway - you see Argyle are looking to offload their top talent to give them their chance to shine in other teams. He ‘s got the Three Crowns FC after him too, but he’d have to collect the glasses on a Friday night if he signs for them. The eldest has been stomping round the house all day singing ‘We love you Parkway we do’ at the top of her voice. She’s signed up to Parkway Insider already, cracking banter on there - much more mature than the PASTITTI lot, everyone’s on there guessing the score and attendance for the big one against St. Blazey tomorrow night.
It did help that Big Bad Brendan came round at 6 am pounding his fists on the door then charging upstairs to get Marce out of bed. ‘C’mon rise and shine now Tulip’ he screeched into Marce’s ear, banging a spoon around inside a saucepan and making an awful racket - I couldn’t really make out what was happening - its always a bit shall we say fuggy in there. He even tore down Marce’s favourite poster, the one that looks a bit like Jason Bent, ‘Bob Marley, Exodus - very fitting don’t ya think?’ He said with a sneer screwing the poster into a small ball. No idea what he's on about sometimes.

　
I see some lad called Heaney wants to buy the club off me - I looked him up on Google - I tell you I don’t go much on his poetry . He wont get far spouting that in the dressing room to gee the lads up before a game, I mean hark at this;

Is wooed into the cyclops' eye
Of a tarn. Our unfenced country
Is bog that keeps crusting
Between the sights of the sun

That’s not poetry that’s just words chosen at random surely? It doesn’t even rhyme! What an odd lot the Cornish are - how this chappy made any money with drivel like that I’ll never know! I wrote a bit of poetry once - I got all inspired after a few schpeshials and got carried away with myself - try this, its from one of my best called The Hero;

His silver moustache flowed in the breeze
He rode into town on his gallant steed
He single-handedly dragged the club from its knees
From an evil goblin the castle was freed


Dead excited about the sale they’ve got going on up at Home Park tonight - really want to get my hands on that Chris Leadbitter shirt, put it on next time I know I’m going to see Dan, he’ll never get his hands on them now, muhahaha - ‘you want the shirt off my back dontcha Dan? Well you aint getting it’ That’s what I’ll say, really stir it up man!

19/03/2011

Above; Balls


Only Rotherham today so I wasn’t that fussed about going out there. I used to like it when we were playing teams like West Ham & I could hob nob with people like Trev Broking. Actually he sorted us out once when we got that draw away at Arsenal, I said ’Trev the coffers are a bit low, we’re using ASDA’s own prawns in the half time sarnies fer chrissakes, heat up our ball eh son?’ - they wouldn’t sort us out again this season though - Swinton at home - what’s that all about!!?
‘What did you do with the last lot?’ asked Lord Triesman when I got on the blower asking for Liverpool at Anne Field. Well those Fabergé Eggs we had put on the empty plinths in the trophy room didn’t buy themselves!
‘Look I pulled the strings and scratched the backs for Keith and his World Cup Host City bid, I’m not doing any more, stop pestering me’ he said. He’s to blame for all this!


I watched it on the TV instead - turn up for the books we were on BBC 1! 24 - 8 what a win eh! That’ll do our goal difference the power of good - what’s with all the hats they’ve started wearing since I left though? I thought a couple of our goals were shades of handball though. I tell you it looks a lot rougher game on the telly than it does live!


Had Big Pete round this morning wanting to borrow my Argyle tie and jacket for some sort of appointment in town - hope I get it back, never saw my N Dubz album again after I lent it to him!
Marce was coming down stairs and offered Big Pete a couple of puffs of his morning schpeshial but he’s always in such a rush he couldn’t stop.


Had to press the ‘busy tone’ to HMRC today. They must be wanting to do some sort of Customer Satisfaction survey , well if they’re ever lucky enough to get me I tell you it’ll be ‘5 Strongly Disagree’ to every question!

17/03/2011

Above;  Mount Edgecumbe                                                                                         (Alaska)


Comic Relief tomorrow night. Love Comic Relief me! I don’t wish to blow my own trumpet but I love to do my bit for charity as you know. I work to the motto ’you get what you give’.
Was planning to do a hike up Kilimanjaro to raise some funds but there were too many bloody jabs required and Dar Es Salaam looks a bit edgier than Dubai. So I settled for a sponsored walk up that hill to Mount Edgecumbe House from where you get off the Cremyll Ferry. I raised £16.07! Big Pete sponsored me a tenner. I ended up spending a bit of it on a bacon sarnie from El Vera’s café, the ferry fare and a Fab lolly from the Orangery though. I’m sure that what I was left with will buy a school in Chad or something although I had to dip into the change from the Fab to buy the envelope and stamp to send the rest to Terry Wogan. I wont be buying a new nose though - the ‘88 classic plain red nose will not be beaten in my opinion, far too gimmicky these days, I’ll just give mine a dust and it’ll be good as new!
Made sure I didn’t tick the ‘gift aid’ box on the sponsor form though - don’t want those sods at HMRC getting involved!
It was pretty gruelling getting up that near vertical slope though, had to take a break about half way up, altitude sickness I think. Think Touching the Void but with more swearing. I was almost beset by some ferocious looking squirrels at one point.

Had the journos on the phone disturbing my celebratory cream tea when I got to Mt. Edgecumbe’s summit (do they even do cream tea in Tanzania?). The reception was a bit dodgy up there at the peak though and all I could make out was that the staff at Home Park were all signing some sort of Well Done card for me? Really its nothing honestly, just doing my bit for the downtrodden - you’ll make me blush.

After my intrepid adventure I went over to have a look at that building they put up over there in honour of one of our all time greats, The Yoann Folly. Its in a sad state of repair - bloody spending cuts! If those do-gooders the Green Taverners are looking for a really worthwhile project there it is, no-one should be allowed to forget the invaluable contribution he made to our club.

16/03/2011

I’m writing this from an Interweb Café in Calais – the French really have caught up with us!
Why am I in Calais and not Carlisle? Well I found my Stobart lorry didn’t I? But apparently all roads do NOT lead to Cumberland. I must’ve had four or five of Marce’s schpeshials while I waited in the undergrowth for my opportunity to stow away. Well when I got in the back of the trailer all the boxes looked like they said Carlisle to me - but then my vision was a bit blurry for some reason. I must have passed out amongst the boxes for a number of hours. When I awoke & could focus on the packaging clearly I was pretty shocked!
So there I was bleary eyed as some unshaven dock workers opened the trailer doors and started shouting at me in some unintelligible dialect – it could have been Torpoint but for all the tricolours flying everywhere!
I was taken to a small windowless room at the ferry port and asked to fill in some routine paperwork. I was pretty fatigued and instinctively I signed my name in the Arabic, Baulus Bin Derriford. Well I wish I hadn’t done that now I can tell you.
Had to call Big Pete again who called me a ‘blithering cretin’ but they soon stopped the waterboarding when he’d been on the line five minutes with them.


They have got a game though on Saturday, Calais I mean, so I might pop back over – might be nice to watch a game without the risk of being mobbed by all my fans. They’ve even got a player called Jonathan Fromage (literally Johnny Cheese!!!!) He’d have been a great signing under our old manager, who was it again, Peter Stilton! Hahaha. Might see how much they’d flog the club to me for, the marketing opportunities would be tremendous.

So I thought that while I was here in the le Web Café waiting for the ferry back to Dover I’d check out the free 14 day Argyle World trial - I’m not bloody paying for that crap. Saw that Lala scored again though, he was one of My Paul’s young starlets, if we stay up this season you can’t deny it’ll be down in part to My Paul’s expert wheeling and dealing on the transfer market.
I taught Bolasie that dance too you know, don’t let him tell you otherwise!


Sat here as I am in France I was struck with a brilliant idea - enter Argyle into the French leagues - who wants to go to Bolton when you could have Bordeaux! And just think how many cheap fags and how much knock-off booze from Majestic Wine Warehouse you could fit on the team coach on the way home!

14/03/2011

Just heard that the lads are staying in a 4 star hotel thanks to some sort of charity organisation associated with the club, might try sending them my Le Meridien Hotel receipts to reimburse me. Seems a bit off for well-paid footballers to be taking money off a charity! Do they even have 4 star hotels in the north? They say that Leeds has a Harvey Nics but I’m not so sure about that judging by the tatty get-up that Bloody Big Bad Brendan wears. Nice shades though.
The eldest was up the wall earlier when she read online that the club were 45 BILLION lira or something in debt. ‘Marce will have to move to Utrecht and I’ll never get to go to Flambards again’ she wailed.


I said it would all be OK because from what I’d heard some fellow called David Brent who used to have his own comedy show was giving me a suitcase full of gold and some signed photos for the club. It’ll be just like when Eric Morecambe was in charge of Luton. Even had the son-in-law over and we cracked open the Morecambe & Wise box set. By the afternoon (and after a few schpeshials) we were re-enacting that famous scene with the oranges and sausages, dancing all round the kitchen lobbing toast to each other. The missus went spare with all the pips scattered all over the floor and crumbs everywhere.


Tried to get hold of Keith again - see if he wanted to book us as a stand-up act, the showpiece event of the summer for Home Park. The club tried to get the Krankies but the rider was too expensive, despite the fact that the son-in-law managed to get a deal on most of the stuff on the list - no idea what or who Meow Meow is!? We were thinking of some names, Double Dutch, or The Simpletons maybe? Was going to get his expert ‘event organising’ opinion on it. Went straight to bloody voicemail again though. ‘This is Keith - yes, yes I’ll have your bloody money for you soon’ said the all too familiar message.
Tried Big Pete but he was busy at Emperor Tropicals picking out some green fish for his new offices - wonder where they are?! He loves fish so he’s loved it in Plymouth - he only came down to see the National Marine Aquarium and do some crabbing he told me, but he’s still here.


Talking of Eric Morcambe, been n the phone all bloody day to Cumbria Football Club, still no invite to the game. Tried 118 118 and asked for Eddie. but he wouldn’t accept reverse charges - tightwad northerner! Get Michael Knighton back in - he knew what he was doing! Might cruise the jag up and down an A38 ambush one of Eddie’s trucks in a lay-by and climb in the trailer while the drivers taking a kip, all roads lead to Cumbria as they say.

10/03/2011

Bog Snorkelling - Is this one revenue 'stream' too many?


Well it seems that Little Pete is having some sort of car boot sale, selling off his old Everton socks, some knick knacks from Thailand and stuff. He’s such a thrifty fellow - if you don’t need it sell it, just like I say - wonder what he’s saving up for!?
Inspired me really, got on the phone to Keith to see if he wanted to try flogging some of the World Cup 2018 tat that we had made next time the Car Boot is on down Stonehouse Creek and going halves on the profit. But he said he was thinking of selling it all on eBay and needed the money himself, he was very cagey as to why though. ‘All you did was pooh pooh the World Cup bid you naysayer’ he said. ‘Don’t come running to me for a cut when Home Park hosts the World Bog Snorkelling Championships.’ He’s an odd boy.


Looked out in the garage for any other rubbish I could make a quick buck on. Found loads! Stockpiles of Ian Hollyway autobiographies - ha how the mighty have fallen! I mean Blackpool, what a sordid little grief hole. Bet he’s on the slot machine’s day and night, the greedy little sod. Not half the read that My Championship Diary is, but then, My Paul always had a way with words that Ian could never compare with. Its like Dostoyevsky v Archer - everyone knows Archer is the far more superior author. Really struggling to get into the Koran though, at this rate I’ll never find out who done it.


Talking of World Cups - Cricket World Cup - fantastic isn’t it? - I don’t like Cricket, I love it me! Been watching loads of it with the son in law sat on the sofa together. Ah the sound of leather on leather - squeaky. But back to the Cricket, brought a whole Cricket Club once - haven’t seen a game there yet but I plan to this summer - anyone know where I can get a fixture list? The son in law introduced me to the sport actually - apparently one of his mates is big on Cricket, Beefy some-one or other? He’s always ringing Marce and asking for him to pop up to Taunton with some more of his schpeshials.


Hartlepools at the weekend then - bit of a trek so I’ll be tuning in to Sparky with the rest of you while playing the Jeff Stelling drinking game with the missus - cant wait.

08/03/2011

'Tango Man?' The cheek!

Goooooaaal El Faaaaloni!

Totally amazing - I was there with you all celebrating. Well I had a great view of the Nicholas Lyndhurst stand (why do they call it that again?) jumping to their feet to celebrate. I found this beautiful little spot where those gates that let the Ambulances in are, kind of where the hinges are. Great big gap there - lets you see a whole fifth of the pitch.
Didn’t get my bloody ticket in the post again did I? - bloody Royal Mail. Got another one of those crazy envelopes with a Tokyo postmark with a few weird looking coins on with that oriental stick like writing on them though. Putting them all in the piggy bank to take down Thomas Cook when I book my next jolly, er I mean business trip, get it all exchanged.

Tried ‘Keith’s gap’ under the gate on the Grandstand side but Bloody Brendan was there waiting. ‘Keith tipped me off for a ticket and some green face paint so he could get in ye wee little eejit’ he said, kicking me repeatedly as I tried to wedge myself back out from under the gate.’You know where the ticket office is ye effin tango man’ he said. Funny thing is now that I think of it I have no idea where the ticket office is, can anyone send me a map please? Just post it to Baulus Bin Derriford, c/o Burj Al Derriford, the postman knows who I am, I pop 50p under some tape on the door at Christmas for him.

The one down side of the game was watching that bloody Communist Fletcher milking it with his bandage on. I always knew the Welsh were an antagonistic people. His name is mud in our house I tell you.
So they’re calling it the Great Escape on PASTITTI.com. I know because the eldest is on it all the time, we’ve had to fit the monitor with an ‘anti-glare screen’ on the advice of an Ophthalmologist. When they said anti-glare I thought they were referring to the looks on her face as she looked at the computer, but apparently its to reduce the brightness of the screen. Started penning my speech for the civic parade - ‘We couldn’t afford days like this, but Inshallah we survived!’

Settling down in bed now to read some more of ‘Paul Sturrock’s Championship Diary’ - I’ve read it 154 times now!

07/03/2011

Well what a great a week its been!
We've introduced 'Movie Night' in the Bin Derriford household!

Also -  SCREW YOU SHEFFIELD! – That’s one in the eye for the northern sods who treated My Paul so shabbily. I phoned Little Pete, told him there’s a bonus in it if you beat that lot – I’ll see to that, a Dubai souvenir pencil for anyone who scores. Didn’t expect us to go & bloody get four – hope young John Mason doesn’t want 2, I’ve only got 3! They’re well flash though, shaped like the Burj Al Khalifa.

Well the son in law is really miffed. Now that Big Bad Brendan’s in charge Little Pete is making him run up and down during training. He said to me ‘I told that Brendan ‘Your not the boshh of me’, but he clipped me round the, how you say ‘Lug hole’ and told me to go and kick ze football up and down a bit more, jeeesh they don’t pay me enough for thish!’
I got on the phone to Brendan & told him to go easy on the lad but all I got was a foul-mouthed tirade. ‘Eff off ye effin eejit’ I think he said at the end.

For my money Brendan looks a bit like a haggard hung-over Colin Firth and far more sweary. Funnily enough me and the missus and the son in law settled down to watch that ‘King’s Speech’ for the inaugural 'Movie Night'. Marce had it on an Asda recordable DVD. ‘Its already been releeshed on DVD in Antwerp Blockbushtersh’, he told us. We put the jigsaw to one side, cosied up on the sofa and passed a ‘schpeshial’ around between us. The climax of the film reminded me so much of my own epic unveiling on the Civic Centre Balcony. That day I emerged like the butterfly I am from my chrysalis to soak up the adoration of my public. That day I was ‘The King of Plymouth’. Well looking forward to the Swinton game tomorrow, had to go down the Centre Spot to ask where my ticket was. Usually it comes through the letter box as if by magic. I have to sift through drifts of other ‘junk’ mail marked ‘Final Reminder’ to find it, but there it always is in its little gold leaf envelope. Was quite perturbed by its non-appearance this week.
Got down the Centre Spot & found it eerily deserted – what’s going on? Were those bone idle Janners too lazy to open up today? I was there banging on the bloody door 20 minutes. I rang Big Pete to ask him if he knew what was afoot but all he said was ‘got my ticket buddy’ in a stupid voice.

Even tried that Surf118.com but they're out of freebies. Scrounging Janners - always want something for nothing!!

Its all right though because Keith gave me some really good advice about some large gaps under the gates that I could roll under tomorrow night if the worst comes to the worst and he said I could borrow his rattle so that I fit in with the riff raff.

04/03/2010

I had an udderly brilliant day. Geddit? Geddit?

There were too many well wishers down outside the Home Park gates today so we all took a detour. Went up to Pennywell Farm for the meeting instead. I didn’t want to go near so many pasty people anyway, just in case the dazzling whiteness of their bodies blinded me.
I had a go at feeding a lamb some milk and Keith helped collect some eggs – I had to keep telling him though ‘Keith you’ve got too many eggs in that basket, get another one for chrissakes, this is all going to end in tears! Too many eggs Keith, far, far too many for one basket’ He wouldn’t listen though, god knows how much the dry cleaners are going to charge to get all that yolk out of his trousers!
The Australian one from the Herald (Errington?) was ringing me non-stop while I was there – eventually I answered but held the phone up to a mooing cow – try quoting that!
Old Bobby Doddery grazed his knee chasing after a duck and had a little bit of a cry about it but he cheered up when he was allowed to pet one of the minature pigs.
For the meeting we sat on hay bails that the staff kindly arranged in a circle for us. They bought us some refreshing blackcurrent squash too. I was busy sharing out my presents from holiday when we got a call from Little Pete to say there was a serious looking lad marching around Home Park picking up stuff he liked and putting it in his bag.
But apparently its goods news though, apparently I’m going to have a lot more time for holidays now for some reason – always fancied a spot of ‘space tourism’ myself.
The absolute highlight of my day was meeting a talking gnome with a voice just like my Paul’s!
Been a bit of a whirlwind today really - but I’ll never forget my trip to Pennywell Farm that’s for sure!

03/03/2011

Got the big meeting coming up on Friday – yawwwwn. Board meeting, more like bored meeting if you ask me.
Bit worried about getting in though – my sources are telling me that there’s going to be a crowd of adoring Janners gathered to welcome me home when I arrive there, putting palm fronds down at the main gates and such like. Got myself down Cohen’s Magic and Joke Shop for a disguise, found these really realistic false glasses and nose – genius! I look a bit like Groucho Marx when I put them on. Got some stink bombs too –I’ll send some to Runaway Roy’s offices, he won’t be expecting that!



They don’t half drag these meetings though – all the lads asking me really difficult questions about money, even harder than the questions on 15 to 1!
In the end we usually order a dominos pizza & Keith gets Connect Four out for us to play to relieve the boredom. It usually just ends up with us asking Old Rob Doddery & the jolly looking one (Trevor I think) to look in their pockets for any loose change.  Sometimes we even go over and have a game of ‘heads & vols’ in the ground – you see we’re not stuffy at all.
Been pottering round the house today – withdrawl symptoms hitting hard. Been ringing round some building merchants to see how much it would cost to have the gardens covered with sand, sculpt a few dunes. Then I could get a nifty little '2 manner' from Milletts and live at the bottom of the garden like the bedouins. Just been moping from room to room. Nearly put my back out pushing the front door open when we got home. There was a great big avalanche of letters with stuff like URGENT stamped on them in red. I just crammed them all in my Manyana drawer as I call it.

Anyway, if your coming down to welcome me back tomorrow bring your autograph books I've been practicing my signiture in Arabic - بول ابن ستابلتون - that'll be a collector's item for you!!

02/03/2011

Sympathy for the Devil? TUNE!

What a night, the music, the lights, the glamour - I finally felt like I belong!
There I was strutting my stuff like Mick himself in his pomp to ‘Under my Thumb’ by the Rolling Stones when out of the corner of my eye I spotted the most gorgeous little red-head dancing close to a wealthy Arab Sheikh. Then at the bar I had the great pleasure to meet the lovely lady. Looking into her eyes there was real chemistry, an unfathomable spark of recognition, as if we’d met in a previous life. She introduced herself as we waited to be served, ’Well hi there hunni’ she said in the cutesiest accent I’ve ever heard. ’ I like your moustache. I’m Joy-geena Slyman from New Yoik.Why doncha come dance with me? .I’m lookin’ for a Shuga daddy with oooh say five hundert K in the bank.’ Well flattered as I was I’m an honourable man and I turned her down flat…next thing I know the missus is over in a flash and she’s decked Ms Slyman with a sweet left cross, and as she’s tumbled over her hair has slipped right off her head - a wig!!!
The bouncers were in like a shot - ‘So sorry Mr. Van Dyke, we’ll have her removed right away’ they said dragging the New Yorker away to the exit.
They even put some Pink Floyd on - the son in laws got me well into them recently - we put ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ on while we do the jigsaw, how does that line go; 'New car, caviar, four star daydream, Think I'll buy me a football team', amazing stuff.

We were introduced to the Sheikh Mohammed the ruler of Dubai- who I mistook for Eric Cantona, he’s a big football fan though so he found it hilarious. He was mightily impressed when I told him how I’d single-handedly guided a small provincial club to glory - in many ways a parallel of the rise of Dubai from a small fishing village to a gleaming metropolis. He even offered to send some Bengalese lads over to help with the imminent phase 2 of Home Park when they've finished his latest skyscraper.

Woke up this morning on the beach with no shoes on - no idea where they’ve gone.
So I’m on the plane now reflecting on a fantastic week, hope you haven’t been missing me too much. Don’t worry though, I’m uploading all the holiday snaps now - all 570. I’ll get on the line to the lads from Greens on Screen to put them on there so everyone can enjoy them.

Wish I hadn’t booked to come back today now but Little Pete said ‘We’re playing Wednedsay’ I thought he meant on Wednesday, not bloody Sheffield Wednesday. – I’m not going to bloody Sheffield so soon after being in Dubai, what a come-down that would be!

Above; Next stop Sheffield 

01/03/2011

Got down the Marina nice and early to see if we could pick up a bargain. First off we tried our luck in an auction – had my eye on a lovely 30 footer with on-board Jacuzzi. Imagined inviting the Black Eyed Peas onboard, cruising round the Sound and kicking back with some phat beats, a crate or two of Stella and a few of the son in law’s ‘funky schmokes’. Maybe even stop and take a cheeky leak on Drake's - yeah whatcha gonna do Dan? Muhahaha! Got pipped at the last though by a telephone bid from a D. Johnson of Huddersfield. Whoever he is I’ve no idea where he’s getting all his money from, lucky sod! Tried to get his number to see if he fancied investing in a football club but they wouldn't disclose it. Not sure how a super-yaught is even going to fit down those narrow canals up there.
Eventually they sorted us out with a rep who asked us about our budget. Well I’d been chucking money about on frivolities all holiday (the missus insisted on ordering the Tikka Mpenza every night this week; ingredients; lobster, beluga caviar, white alba truffles and the rare kagami mushroom) so the old bum-bag was feeling a bit on the light side. We were taken down the jetty past the 30 footers, the 20 footers and the dinghies and into a section marked miscellaneous. We picked up the little beauty below and they even chucked in a couple of those classy sailor hats that say ‘Admiral’ and ‘First Mate’ on them to seal the deal.


Above; Thinking of re-naming her Mayflower


Well the missus & I went out onto the ocean to test drive the new pride and joy and I came over all Pete Goss just rowing like a crazy man! We’d travelled a fair distance from land & the missus was getting a bit panicky, but just before we turned to head back I caught the strains of Radiohead’s ‘Karma Police’ drifting on the sea air . I followed the sound and soon we were rapidly catching up with a blonde man in a pedalo edging his way ever further from the shore, a portable stereo in his lap playing ‘OK Computer’ on repeat – it was Boris, weeping silently while methodically pedalling his way further into the ocean.
‘Nein Nein! Van Dyke, Mein Gott!’ he exclaimed on seeing us. We sailed on beside him for some time, but try as we might we couldn’t convince him to turn round – I even offered£20 of vouchers to spend in the Argyle Village! Eventually we let him go and sat there bobbing around helplessly, watching him turn into a distant speck on the horizon before we headed back to shore.
Anyway, Looking forward in earnest to the Swinton fixture next Tuesday – can’t wait to give a big wave to the ground, maybe get on the mic and give a half time talk to the crowd about my adventures (think Michael Palin but grittier), show off my new dishdash (see blog 23/02) in the boardroom. Apparently some lads even got kitted out in Hawaiian shirts in my honour for the Coventry win – Cheers lads!
My Paul used to manage Swinton you know. He made it a rule after leaving us the first time that he would only ever manage clubs beginning with an ‘S’, he’s such a quirky fellow. Actually this new boat of mine takes me right back to when Paul & I used to mess about on the Tamar in our glorious youth. We’d hire a skiff and I’d row us lazily up to Calstock, gazing into his eyes the whole way, so much was said between us with no words spoken.
You know what’s great about holidays? Its how when you get back everything’s just the same as how you left it.
Just glamming up for the Hotel Disco, might take a while, this moustache doesn't groom itself.