01/03/2011

Got down the Marina nice and early to see if we could pick up a bargain. First off we tried our luck in an auction – had my eye on a lovely 30 footer with on-board Jacuzzi. Imagined inviting the Black Eyed Peas onboard, cruising round the Sound and kicking back with some phat beats, a crate or two of Stella and a few of the son in law’s ‘funky schmokes’. Maybe even stop and take a cheeky leak on Drake's - yeah whatcha gonna do Dan? Muhahaha! Got pipped at the last though by a telephone bid from a D. Johnson of Huddersfield. Whoever he is I’ve no idea where he’s getting all his money from, lucky sod! Tried to get his number to see if he fancied investing in a football club but they wouldn't disclose it. Not sure how a super-yaught is even going to fit down those narrow canals up there.
Eventually they sorted us out with a rep who asked us about our budget. Well I’d been chucking money about on frivolities all holiday (the missus insisted on ordering the Tikka Mpenza every night this week; ingredients; lobster, beluga caviar, white alba truffles and the rare kagami mushroom) so the old bum-bag was feeling a bit on the light side. We were taken down the jetty past the 30 footers, the 20 footers and the dinghies and into a section marked miscellaneous. We picked up the little beauty below and they even chucked in a couple of those classy sailor hats that say ‘Admiral’ and ‘First Mate’ on them to seal the deal.


Above; Thinking of re-naming her Mayflower


Well the missus & I went out onto the ocean to test drive the new pride and joy and I came over all Pete Goss just rowing like a crazy man! We’d travelled a fair distance from land & the missus was getting a bit panicky, but just before we turned to head back I caught the strains of Radiohead’s ‘Karma Police’ drifting on the sea air . I followed the sound and soon we were rapidly catching up with a blonde man in a pedalo edging his way ever further from the shore, a portable stereo in his lap playing ‘OK Computer’ on repeat – it was Boris, weeping silently while methodically pedalling his way further into the ocean.
‘Nein Nein! Van Dyke, Mein Gott!’ he exclaimed on seeing us. We sailed on beside him for some time, but try as we might we couldn’t convince him to turn round – I even offered£20 of vouchers to spend in the Argyle Village! Eventually we let him go and sat there bobbing around helplessly, watching him turn into a distant speck on the horizon before we headed back to shore.
Anyway, Looking forward in earnest to the Swinton fixture next Tuesday – can’t wait to give a big wave to the ground, maybe get on the mic and give a half time talk to the crowd about my adventures (think Michael Palin but grittier), show off my new dishdash (see blog 23/02) in the boardroom. Apparently some lads even got kitted out in Hawaiian shirts in my honour for the Coventry win – Cheers lads!
My Paul used to manage Swinton you know. He made it a rule after leaving us the first time that he would only ever manage clubs beginning with an ‘S’, he’s such a quirky fellow. Actually this new boat of mine takes me right back to when Paul & I used to mess about on the Tamar in our glorious youth. We’d hire a skiff and I’d row us lazily up to Calstock, gazing into his eyes the whole way, so much was said between us with no words spoken.
You know what’s great about holidays? Its how when you get back everything’s just the same as how you left it.
Just glamming up for the Hotel Disco, might take a while, this moustache doesn't groom itself.