16/03/2011

I’m writing this from an Interweb Café in Calais – the French really have caught up with us!
Why am I in Calais and not Carlisle? Well I found my Stobart lorry didn’t I? But apparently all roads do NOT lead to Cumberland. I must’ve had four or five of Marce’s schpeshials while I waited in the undergrowth for my opportunity to stow away. Well when I got in the back of the trailer all the boxes looked like they said Carlisle to me - but then my vision was a bit blurry for some reason. I must have passed out amongst the boxes for a number of hours. When I awoke & could focus on the packaging clearly I was pretty shocked!
So there I was bleary eyed as some unshaven dock workers opened the trailer doors and started shouting at me in some unintelligible dialect – it could have been Torpoint but for all the tricolours flying everywhere!
I was taken to a small windowless room at the ferry port and asked to fill in some routine paperwork. I was pretty fatigued and instinctively I signed my name in the Arabic, Baulus Bin Derriford. Well I wish I hadn’t done that now I can tell you.
Had to call Big Pete again who called me a ‘blithering cretin’ but they soon stopped the waterboarding when he’d been on the line five minutes with them.


They have got a game though on Saturday, Calais I mean, so I might pop back over – might be nice to watch a game without the risk of being mobbed by all my fans. They’ve even got a player called Jonathan Fromage (literally Johnny Cheese!!!!) He’d have been a great signing under our old manager, who was it again, Peter Stilton! Hahaha. Might see how much they’d flog the club to me for, the marketing opportunities would be tremendous.

So I thought that while I was here in the le Web Café waiting for the ferry back to Dover I’d check out the free 14 day Argyle World trial - I’m not bloody paying for that crap. Saw that Lala scored again though, he was one of My Paul’s young starlets, if we stay up this season you can’t deny it’ll be down in part to My Paul’s expert wheeling and dealing on the transfer market.
I taught Bolasie that dance too you know, don’t let him tell you otherwise!


Sat here as I am in France I was struck with a brilliant idea - enter Argyle into the French leagues - who wants to go to Bolton when you could have Bordeaux! And just think how many cheap fags and how much knock-off booze from Majestic Wine Warehouse you could fit on the team coach on the way home!